Forbidden to Remember, Terrified to Forget
by EternalBella
Summary: Edward's point of view when he thinks Bella is dead and attempts to end his life, from the book 'New Moon'.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This is a piece written in Edward's point of view from 'New Moon'. This work is credited to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

My life was over now.

I had no reason to exist. My Bella was dead, and I was the cause of her turmoil. Her pain was my fault.

Bella had jumped off a cliff because I had left her to basically die. I had told her nothing but lies. What was worse was that I had led her to believe that I didn't love her. She had taken her last breath as she jumped off of that lonely precipice, thinking that I did not love her.

I lowered my chin and closed my eyes, rubbing my palms over my stone cold face. All I could see was the agony in her eyes and the defeat on her beautiful face when I muttered the poisonous words, "I don't want you."

And now, Bella was no more. She would never smile, laugh, or be loved ever again. I had hurt her enough for her to end her own life.

"My love," I whispered to myself, as I stepped into the shadows underneath the clock tower.

The warm sun rays crept toward me, like a puddle that was spilt near my feet. I wanted to die. I didn't deserve to live. Bella Swan was my soul, and now I would suffer as she did.

I peeled my eyes open slowly, and silently counted away the last seconds of my worthless life. This was it.

I took one step closer to the sunshine, anticipating a quick death. My shirt hung open and I stretched my arms, welcoming the hopeful chance that I would see Bella again, in another place. If only Carlisle was right that if I had a soul, I would soon join Bella again.

With five more seconds until the clock would chime, I pictured Bella in my mind and smiled. I could almost see her smiling back at me, her eyes shining with love.

I took another step, and another. I could feel the sun on my cheeks as I slowly put my right foot forward.

The clock tower's bell boomed once, twice, three times...

I could hear her voice, screaming my name in a distance. I knew she had found me, and now we would be together again.

Though Bella and I would be gone forever, our love would never die.

"Edward!" Bella's voice cried out again, this time closer. I could almost smell her now, her sweet fragrance. "Edward no! Look at me!"

And then her soft body was in my arms as she threw herself into me. I caught her and held her to me, inhaling her scent.

My lips spread into a faint smile.

I wrapped my arms tighter around her.

Then I opened my eyes and she was there, as gorgeous as ever. Bella was alive!

"Amazing," I murmured. "Carlisle was right." I lifted my hand to gently caress her cheek. To see the love in her eyes again was heaven. I didn't know how I had found her again, but I would never let her go, ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Bella was here, and I felt whole again. The misery in my cold heart melted.

Gazing down at her, my lips stretched into a wider smile. She was even more radiant than she had ever been to me. Heaven had captured her beauty, and I was stunned into silence. She was my angel now, and we could be together for eternity.

I had found love once again though I never deserved her in the first place.

I squeezed my eyes tight, and I wrapped my arms around her, moving her closer to me. She felt frantic in my arms, desperate for me to hold her.

"Edward," she said, out of breath. Her eyes were red-rimmed though they shined brightly up at me, as if she were seeing me for the first time. She was scared and amused all at once.

"You've got to get back into the shadows! You have to move!" She said, gasping for air.

My poor Bella, she had been tortured so much to the point that it stabbed me inside.

Wait a moment. _The shadows?_ Was Bella frightened of this new place? I stared down at her in awe, wanting so much to kiss her and tell her that she was safe now, and nothing would ever hurt her again. Not even me.

I gently touched her cheek, soothing her in a comforting motion.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing. They're very good," I whispered to her, a bit concerned for her expression was painful to look at. She was horrified. I wondered at that moment what I must look like to her.

She was trembling and I could still hear her heartbeats, as quick as they were. Her heart was pounding. Bella still left me completely breathless as well. Her stunning scent hit me again, and I realized I still thirsted for her. Heaven was as glorious as I had imagined it.

The love of my life was with me. Forever.

I sighed, searching her warm brown eyes. That little crease between her eyes was still there, due to her stress.

She had endured such a traumatizing transition to heaven. I didn't even want to think about how she had died. I shook off that impulse and soaked in her serene presence. It did me well. I felt complete, and well…as if nothing had ever come between us.

Until death do us part…I thought to myself. I smiled down at her. Not even death could tear apart such a love as ours.

I closed my eyes and inhaled her rich, floral scent, nuzzling my lips into her sweet hair. I said softly, "Death that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power upon thy beauty."

I tenderly stroked her silky skin. She was my heaven.

I shook with reverent joy, as a clock chimed once again. I ignored it, so wrapped up in this union with Bella Swan. I swore to myself that she would never leave my arms.

I pressed my mouth closer to her, my nose in her hair now. "You smell just exactly the same as always." I paused, as she relaxed in my embrace. "So maybe this is hell. I don't care, I'll take it."

"I'm not dead, and neither are you!" Bella replied, surprising me.

I was perplexed for I knew that she had jumped off the cliff. Rosalie had told me so. I knew I had decided to end my own life the moment that I had called Charlie's home and was told by Jacob Black that her father was at her funeral.

How could she not be dead?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Love is Stronger Than Anything

"Please Edward, we have to move!" Bella demanded, tense and shaken. I wound my hands around her waist. "They can't be far away."

"What was that?" I asked her, struggling to understand her haste.

She was moving in my arms, anxious to leave heaven, hell, wherever we were. At least we were together.

"We're not dead, not dead. Not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi…" she trailed off, and suddenly, I comprehended what she was saying to me.

I glanced at our surroundings. They had not changed, for I had been marveling in her radiance the entire time.

The Volturi! They would have me murdered for certain now. I had tempted them far across the line.

What was even more disturbing was that Bella was once again in danger, because of me.

I grabbed her and pulled her out of the sunlight into the shadows and pushed her against a stone wall to protect her.

Bella was right. As I studied her perfectly soft features, I could see the blood in her cheeks and I could taste the scent. The hunger that motivated me for the hideous creature that I was, and the unbearable thirst crept into my lungs, compelling me to want her more.

I struggled to ignore the horrible temptation. I fought my instincts, and I was winning.

I gawked at Bella, as the fact that she was still alive slammed me into a near shock. She was not dead. Bella Swan was alive.

I couldn't stop starring at her. The way the familiar yearning in her gaze when she looked up at me made me swear I would take her as my wife if we were to survive this next feat.

We had to live, for we still had a reason. I had never fallen out of love with her and I would make her understand how I wanted her.

If she would have me back, I would ask her to marry me, I promised myself.

I noticed how she still had that sensitive, yet strong demeanor when she touched me. The admiration was still present in her glassy eyes. For a second, I thought she may be crying.

Thirst slammed into my senses as I realized that it was there—that trigger, her blood.

I was so thirsty, and had not fed for so many days…I had lost count.

She smelt so appealing, and I was more ravished as ever, though I could not think about her that way any longer.

Bella's life meant more to me than my own.

She struggled to pull me to her and I complied. I could sense the panic in her mind. I knew she still cared for me, but how much?

Had she forgiven me?

So many thoughts raced through my mind.

I cut me deep when another impulse hit me as I smelled her tantalizing aroma of her blood. As I remembered the sorrow I had experienced when I had believed that Bella was dead overpowered the thirst.

The love I still had for her made me have willpower over my mind, my body, and now my soul.

Bella gave me the strength of mind and I obeyed my heart, not my thirst.

I forced myself to put out the flames that arose in my throat because the agony that the thought of hurting her made me strong. I would never want to hurt Bella ever again. I swallowed hard, and the sensation to kill her vanished as I stared hard into her eyes, so trusting and so full of love…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I had to save Bella. I would protect her with my useless life.

Tentatively, I crushed my body against hers to shield her from the approaching guards.

It was too late to run now.

Though inevitable danger lurked all around her and I, I could not help but gape at her. Her radiant beauty stunned me. Tears brimmed in her eyes, as they streaked down her cheeks. Were they tears of fear, or were they happy tears? I did not know.

I continued to stare in astonishment, as I wrapped my arms around her waist. Her fingers strangled my forearms.

She stared back up at me as if I were the only glimpse of hope left in her life. Her breaths were choppy and I could hear her heart pounding like thunder in her chest.

There she was, right in front of me. For an entire agonizing day, I had thought that she was gone from me forever. I knew that I had crushed her heart and let her slip through my fingers, though I thought it would have been best for her not to get hurt anymore by my volatile life.

When I searched her eyes, so full of trust and adoration, I knew that there was still a spark of hope left. She was here to save me, and I would save her now. Though the Volturi may put an end to us both, we would die together, and I would hold her in my arms, until death did us part.

As I wrapped my arms around Bella's frail body and lead her out of the dreaded underground castle, I heaved a long sigh of relief.

The Volturi had allowed us to go free of our will. Under one condition: I must turn Bella Swan into a monster, one of us. It was so easy for the promise to escape my lips, though would I be able to endure putting her through such pain?

I dropped a kiss on the top of her head and squeezed her ever so lightly to me as we sauntered out into the night to retrieve Alice's getaway car. Of course she had plucked it off of the street without telling the owner. I could already read her carefree mind. I rolled my eyes and concentrated on guiding Bella towards the exit.

I contemplated scooping her up in my arms and letting her sleep. Her eyes were weary, and the way she easily stumbled on the cobblestone street curse myself for ever letting her go in the first place.

I would make it all up to her when she was more conscious.

Alice danced over to a sleek vehicle. She hit the unlock button, a gallant grin upon her angelic face. As if she were pleading innocent that she had just committed grand theft auto.

"Oh you know I will give it back, Edward, don't give me that look," she whispered to me, as I stared at her in contempt.

"What would I do without you?" I said back to her under my breath. I nodded stiffly at her, gesturing my chin down to the love of my life. Bella reacted by clutching onto my waist when I attempted to place her into the back seat.

She still did not want to let me go. She was deathly afraid, and probably traumatized by the near death sentence we had just experienced at the hands of the evil and decrepit vampires.

I tightened my grip around her and gently picked her up and carefully set her into the back seat.

Her wide brown eyes were so soaked with hope as she gawked up at me.

Feeling despair at the very beautiful sight of her, I smoothed the side of her porcelain face with my fingers in a reassuring motion. "I'm not going anywhere," I said in a hush voice and I flew to the other side of the vehicle and climbed in next to her.

I was amazed at how she clung onto me still. Just as she had done through our treacherous encounter with the Volturi. I stared at her, wanting so badly to touch my lips to hers but that would be crossing the line. I had already crossed that barrier by even so much as touching her. It would be criminal of me to even ask of her love again, though somewhere deep within me, I knew I would.

Alice, in the driver's seat, drove the vehicle at an insane speed that put even me to shame. She tilted her chin over her shoulder and gave a bright nod of her head. In a chirpy voice, she said to me,:

"Do not be ashamed Edward," she smirked and glanced at us in the rearview mirror, a glint in her eyes. "You will. I've already seen it."

I looked away and mumbled in a rapid hiss, "Mind your own business."

"Sure. Whatever," Alice said flippantly, gesturing her hand carelessly in the air as if flicking a fly out of her presence. "See if I ever save your life again. Fine fine fine." She sighed.

"Just let me get her to safety first," I explained to Alice, my tone not above a whisper. "She needs nourishment and sleep before she can register all of this cruelty she's been through. Then, and only then—I'll tell her."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Alice grunted impatiently. I knew what she was getting at and it was embarrassing that she actually knew what I had planned on asking Bella. I still did not believe that I deserved her.

"Whatever, Mr. Overachiever." Alice said, her light tone full of disappointment. If Alice had her way, I would be proposing to a half-conscious girl who had just seen death flash before her very eyes. That would be selfish of me. "I still think that you need not waste any time." She paused, her red lips stretching to her eyes, as if she could already hear Bella's reply. "She won't let herself sleep, Edward, it's a moot effort." Alice turned the wheel, her bracelets dangling on her thin arm.

"She's been through so much," I said, keeping my voice low.

Bella was struggling to maintain her alertness, though her head kept slipping downward.

With my palm, I lightly guided her face to my shoulder. She rested it there.

"Have it your way," Alice replied, her voice thick with reassurance that either way, things would soon turn out the way she could see it.

I wanted to pick her brain for Bella's exact response to my question, though I was too tangled up in the refreshing floral scent of Bella's hair and the way that she felt so good in my arms. Like a tidal wave, emotions slammed into me and I realized how much I had missed her.

I was such a fool to have thought that being away from her would have been beneficial to her—to both of us. In some vague way, it was obvious that Bella would forgive me.

I pressed my nose into her hair. She slowly slid her hand up to my neck. She was so warm, so soft. I could love her like this forever. "You're safe," I said into her ear for the thirteenth time tonight.

Ever so subtly, she held onto my neck tighter. She never ceased to surprise me. For I thought by now she would have slapped me in the face, which I would have gladly accepted that gesture. She was not even angry in the slightest.

Perhaps it was due to the fatigue that had blanketed over her.

So easily, my hand caressed down her back as I held her. It was so easy to love her, I noticed. My thirst for her had evaporated. I stared at her in sheer amazement. The hunger had vanished, leaving only my need for her affection and her heart.

That was a miracle on its own.

I cracked a smile, as my broken heart healed at the very touch of Bella's fingertips to my cold chest.

I could sense Bella's love at the way she molded herself to me. There was still a chance, and I would surely take it. But first, she had to sleep for she had been through hell.

I watched the buildings breeze by my window so quickly that it looked like a colorful blur. We were at warp speed now as Alice guided us to the airport. By an amazing saving grace, we had survived a death trap. I still could not comprehend how the Volturi had believed that I would actually torment Bella by transforming her into a creature of the night.

I would soon have to figure out how to escape such a dark and empty promise.

My eyes roamed down at Bella's weak body. She was nearly lifeless in my arms.

"Sleep, Bella," I murmured, almost calling her 'love'. I had dodged that name for that would only confuse her.

"No," she countered, groggily, her voice raspy and slurring.

Alice handed me a bottle of Dasani water and I unscrewed the lid, and held it to Bella's lips. With my free hand I lifted her chin and helped her drink. After she sighed, finished, I screwed the cap back, dropped it at my feet and slid my arms around her waist. She scooted closer to my body, as close as her seatbelt would allow.

Bella nuzzled into my chest and her hazy eyes began to flutter closed. I rubbed her shoulder to soothe her and her arms encompassed me, winding around my torso, as if we had never been torn apart by my oafish decision to have ever lied to her.

I reacted by stroking her cheek ever so tenderly and she seemed to stop trembling. She had been shaking with dread ever since she had been exposed so dangerously close to death. I exhaled, admitting just how being given a second chance at love made me see that Bella and I were perhaps meant to be, and it was never a mistake to love her.

I vowed to never leave her side ever again.

Alice was correct, and she knew it. I caught her stealing another look at us. Her perfect eyebrow lifted in amusement.

I did not answer my sister, though she could see the clear decision to ask for Bella's hand in my clouded gaze.

it was time to tell Bella the truth of how I felt about her, and I said a silent prayer, hoping that she would believe me.

As Bella nestled her cheek to my chest I promised that I would provide for her and be everything that she needed for as long as she would live.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I did not feel completely relieved until we were in the air.

As the plane took flight, soaring into the midnight starry sky, promising us a rather safe journey to Seattle, I let out a ragged breath that I had been holding.

Much to my pleasure, Bella's arms still tangled themselves around me. I had sufficed as her life support, and I was all too willing to accommodate her comfort.

I leaned my head back into the seat cushion, absent-mindedly running my fingers through her hair.

This feeling of ecstasy was as if I had never left her.

Alice was flipping through a Cosmo magazine, her lips puckered at some of the fashion statements that she found between the pages. She flipped another page, though I felt her narrowed eyes skimming over to me. She was all too adamant for the fact that I was holding back on Bella.

I could not hide anything back from my little sister.

Alice's trickling voice doomed me to near nausea, as she interrupted my wild thoughts. 'She came all this way to save your wretched life, Edward. Yet there you sit, as nonchalant and as dumb as ever. Are you that stiff to see that the girl still loves you? Can't you see she still worships you? Why don't you let yourself just love her….' –that's when I shut Alice out of my head with a jolt of my chin.

I hid my eyes away from Amy pixie-like favorite sister and enveloped myself on listening to Bella's steady breathing.

'Suit yourself', thought Alice at me, as she tossed her magazine aside and picked up a tabloid, full of the latest Hollywood gossip. She concentrated on the cover and then opened it up with interest. She tapped her fingernail to her lips as she read out loud inside of her head. "Hmmm.' She sighed to herself.

I decided to engross myself in Bella, instead of listening to Alice, which was giving me a near migraine. Once Alice set her mind to something, she was always impatient for it to occur.

Part of me wished that I could open myself up to Bella, but for some odd reason, I could not help but think that perhaps it would be out of the relief that I was alive. I could not take advantage of her betrayed love that she still held for me, especially because she strained to keep her eyes peeled open.

She was so worn out. It hurt me to see her so tortured like this. I felt responsible for her trouble of nearly killing herself over me. Again.

I sighed and kissed her forehead gently. She turned her face to me, and I could tell she wanted more. I reached for her hand and touched my lips to her cheek and then slid my mouth to her hair. The scent intoxicated me. I inhaled her.

It was invigorating. But not in the way it used to be. It was a calming sensation.

Bella's silky fingers touched my chin, and then my cheek.

The warmth invigorated me. She caressed my chilling skin, and I felt a pulse of electricity course through me. This was not right, though it felt as if it were.

I could see Alice's satisfied expression in my peripheral vision. She looked as if she were the cat who had swallowed the canary. Feathers sticking out of her mouth and all. No sister could have looked any prouder and more puffed up than little bitty Alice. Alright, so maybe Rose could. Oh, how Rosalie would pay dearly for this. I flexed the muscles in my jaw and let my bubbles of wrath simmer down at the thought of Rosalie's stupidity.

I had no intentions of ever forgiving that one.

Alice, as radiant as ever, crossed one leg over the other and winked at me when she knew I was acknowledging her.

Alice knew that I would be giving her a yellow Porsche for bringing my love back to me. And I would fulfill that task, soon enough. I owed her so much.

I shut my eyes and allowed myself to feel Bella, for I had thought of this moment in those dark hours, thinking I would never feel this way ever again.


	7. Chapter 7

Bella was far too good for me. I never would deserve her, even if I tried to redeem myself for over an eternity.

As the stewardess approached us, a thick Italian accent asking if we required anything to drink or eat. When Bella surprised me by ordering a coke, I tightened my eyes and set my jaw. I wanted her to sleep.

"Bella, please, sleep," I said gently, sweeping my hang against her jaw and down to her neck. This was the first time I had spoken to her since we had boarded the plane.

She shook her head vigorously, acting as a martyr for her own will to be awake for absolutely everything.

She had described to me why she would not sleep before, and that was due to her fear of having nightmares of the Volturi. I felt sorrow for her, wanting desperately to relieve her worries and ease her mind. I wanted peace for her, though she continued to resist the urge to let sleep to take over her.

I comprehended Bella's discomfort. She had been practically traumatized by those callous, bloodthirsty Volturi vampires. She had seen too much, and suffered on my account more than she should have.

No wonder she did not want to sleep. I felt empathetic to her declination to let herself fall into the dream world. I could not blame her.

Anger boiled within me as I thought of the Volturi.

Bella was innocent. She had only come to Italy to spare my life.

I clenched my jaw, wanting to shatter every memory of horror that encumbered Bella's mind. I wanted to coddle her and never let her out of my shielding embrace.

For the thousandth time since I had known this intriguing creature, I tried to hear her, but of course, nothing had changed. If only I knew what she was thinking.

I felt ashamed to ask her.

With a wan smile, Bella accepted her small cup of soda from the stewardess and gulped it until there was nothing left. I watched her. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her hair was a mess though she looked unbearably attractive. I preferred her with messy, disheveled hair.

Bella snuck a peek up at me and blushed when I was caught looking down at her. I smiled at her calmly, as my eyes melted. I did not care if she saw me. I was studying her behavior, still convinced that she may go into shock at any state.

Though the caffeine was not what I had in mind for her, I agreed the sugar did her good. I offered her a small travel sized bag of pretzel twists and she declined it with a drowsy shake of her head. "N'thanks." She slurred. Poor thing was tired out of her mind.

I set it in the pocket in front of her.

I parted my lips to say something to her, though I had too much to say to her. That was the issue. I sighed, losing to my willpower to explain to her what was going on between us. I yearned to tell her that I desired to ask for her to come back to me, but I could not.

When we would land in eight hours, I would surely watch over her as she slept.

I had no intentions of leaving Forks. I would be what she wanted me to be—friend, possibly lover.

I would resist the fact that I should stay away from her. I couldn't do that, it was inevitable.

If she wanted me in her life after I spoke to her about my love for her, then let it be. If she wanted me out of her life, then I would oblige. Whatever she wanted, I would do it, no matter the price.

I watched her curiously out of the corner of my eye. Her gaze was foggy and almost unconscious. Her head bobbed and swayed though she put up a good fight.

I carefully draped my arm around her shoulders. I wondered how I would hide her from the Volturi now. If only I could take her somewhere out of the Unites States.

Would she go with me? I asked myself pensively.

I pursed my lips together.

Her prospects on life may have changed drastically in these last months without me, and I had to come to accept that treacherous fact that there was a chance that she would not want to love me back. The sad thing was that she would have every right to feel that way.

Bella pushed the plastic cup into the pouch in front of her and then, shocking me again, she stretched herself over to me. I pulled up the dividing seat arm so that she would be close to me. I noticed that this was a reaction to my own body language.

I looked deep into her lethargic eyes, so full of passion, and I gave in to the boundary line. I pulled the square pillow from behind her back and situated it underneath her shoulder. Her arms reached for my neck again, as she hung onto me.

I knew that somehow, this silence between us was significant. I just wanted to know if it was good, or bad.

I caught her stealing a peek up at me, expectant and intent, but she seemed to lose her nerve. She snuggled against me and said nothing. Defeat washed over her face.

I discerned each movement of the muscles in her cheekbones, and the look in her eyes. She seemed disappointed.

My soul took another beating.

After moments passed, Bella's arm locked around my torso, holding me captive. My mind raced with excitement. I was reluctant to cradle her like I wanted to, though I found myself needing to feel her safe in my arms.

'Oh get over yourself and talk to her.' I heard Alice think, as if she had been watching us the entire time. I could not ignore that one. As irritating as she was, Alice had a point.

I shot an icy look at Alice. She held her US Weekly magazine to shield her eyes from me. I softened up and realized that I wouldn't be cross with Alice. For she was the reason Bella was next to me, secure and alive.

My eyes dropped down to the treasure of my being. Bella blinked a glance up at me and our eyes locked. She appraised me for a moment and then I looked away. I couldn't bring myself to speak to her yet.

I didn't wish to spoil my borrowed time with her, for I drew strength from her presence. I could sense that she needed me, too.

I found myself enjoying this valuable time with Bella far more than I should have, because who knew what the next day would hold for us.

I was such a selfish monster. Egocentric and pigheaded. And let us not forget—a coward.

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth and I wrapped Bella in my arms so that her face rested on my chest. She was practically seated on my lap. I permitted it, because _ this_ seemed to be what she wanted. I could not deny her anything. She settled comfortably in her position.

I watched her stare silently out of the window of the 747 airplane. The sun was gradually peeking out from the horizon, as the orange and bright pink and purple shades vibrantly lit up at the bleeding of the rising sun.

The site was breathtaking, though I was transfixed on Bella's face. The way the light buttered her ivory skin.

Was this my last day with Bella? I exhaled heavily.

I was such a coward.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The sooner she would sleep off her tiredness, the sooner I could open her up and learn what she truly thought of me after the heartless torture I had put her through.

I watched Bella intently, as she groggily yawned and then straightened her head so that she would not fall asleep.

Her cheek was touching my shoulder now, though she was so tenacious to not let me see how worn out she was.

A smirk tickled my lips. A thing I had not done in months. I had forgotten how it felt to smile.

She was so pretty that it hurt to look at her, for somehow I was afraid to death that I would lose her soon.

Bella blinked her eyes, and then she reopened them wider so that she could fight of slumber. She was my trooper, and I admired Bella Swan even more.

She was stronger than ever. Much more durable than I had given her credit for.

My heart sank as I repelled the inclination to speak to her. I wanted to ask her what she was feeling, what she wanted, what was new in her life without me, and most importantly of all, would she forgive me.

Like the sorry excuse for a man that I was, I buried all of my questions for the remainder of the flight to Washington. I would dig them up for the next day, and then I would know what Bella truly wanted.

What I wanted most was to marry her.

I would ask her, even if the answer would cause me eternal torment. The sadness began to creep into my heart, like a toxic poison. That was what I had called the darkness I had felt when I had divided Bella out of my life—the sadness.

I felt a stab of pain slice through me, as I began to realize that Bella may be internally bitter towards me. She just did not know it yet. How could she not be after I had turned my back on her?

The venomous words that I had said to her: "I don't want you" hit me like bomb, as again, for the countless time, I recalled every stinging word I had said to her that day I had left her to fend for herself in the forest.

The ghosts of my past snuck up on me, shadowing my hope.

I hugged my chin over her head, and I was pleased when her hands clutched to me tighter.

Bella was much too giving, much too generous. She was probably trying to spare my feelings. I knew she was happy that I was saved, though I knew with despair that she would not believe me if I told her that I had never stopped loving her.

What was worse was that I would have to admit that I was a liar, and that I had fooled her for her own good.

The guilt was overpowering. I glared hard down at her petite body, wanting so badly to tell her now and not wait.

I was so unfair to Bella.

Even though her trust in me was splintered into a million unfixable pieces, I would make her believe me. She would know that I was real, more than ever. What we had, our insatiable love, so real and so strong was far too precious to let grow dim. I would at least try. I kept telling myself that.

Try, and be honest, though I was only going to humiliate myself. I would swallow my pride and show her what she meant to me.

I did not expect to have her heart to be given back to me so easily, though I wanted her to because something in me had changed.

My thirst was quenched, though I knew I could control the inclination. Every time I remembered the sadness, I couldn't so much as contemplate causing her grief ever again.

Another thing that had changed within me, was that I was willing to give her my entire heart, not just half, as before.

For what it was worth, I would at least try to win her back. And that I would do, no matter the consequences.

Bella's eyes were focused on the sunlight that seeped into the window.

I reached up to pull the shade down.

Bella's vision flickered and then she glanced up at me. Our eyes met for a sensitive moment, and then with a slight smile, her eyelids drooped down as she stared at the back of the next seat in front of us.

She had made it through the entire night without sleep.

Gradually, her chin was lowering and her eyes were closing. I held my arm in front of her to catch her if she slumped over.

In an instant, her eyes snapped back open and I rubbed my hand slowly down her back, up and down. I tried to lull her to sleep, though she was stubborn.

She lifted her chin and her hand moved to my shoulder. She curled up to me a little bit closer and let out a soft sigh. I could smell her sweet breath, hints of the cola on her breath.

I swallowed back the sensation to kiss her.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I wanted to kiss her.

But I couldn't. What if she didn't want me to.

It would be criminal to rob her of such an act of passion. I forced back the desire. I shied away and settled for kissing her lightly on her neck. Extraordinarily, I was not flustered with the panic attack to kill her.

I massaged my fingers into her hair and hugged her head to my chest.

Alice made a motion to catch my attention. She cheerfully made a wide gesture with her hands, and asked me through her deranging thoughts: 'What was that? You weren't going to bite her, and she sure won't hit you for doing it either.'

I ignored Alice's prodding and concentrated on the gorgeous shade of Bella's hair. It was longer, as it flowed down to her waist. I noticed everything.

Alice was drilling holes through me. With a dainty sigh, she flipped the pages of the magazine irritably. She expected me to show more affection for Bella. I could hear it loud and clear.

It was like an annoying ringing in my ears. 'Just tell her now, Edward, it'll save you time and worry. Wow, what a concept?' thought Alice. Really easy for her to think, wasn't it.

Alice stuffed her magazine away in front of her and adjusted the shade near her. With interest she plucked her cell phone out of her trendy bag, as if expecting it to ring. Alice sat up straight, and her smile visibly lifted. She would soon see Jasper.

Bella noticed the change in the aircraft's descent as she panned her surroundings and stole another glance at me.

Alice was still watching us of course.

I touched Bella's forehead with my thumb, wiping away a piece of fluffed hair that was in her face. Bella's eyes roamed over me, question marks literally hovering over her. I leaned in closer and then pressed my lips to her nose and then I touched our foreheads together.

Alice grunted and then covered it up with a cough.

If I displayed anymore affection to Bella, it would be considered inappropriate.

Also I wasn't ready to profess my love to her, especially when she could barely speak herself.

I had to stifle a chuckle.

I held Bella as tight as I could without hurting her. I heard her exhale contently, and my heart leapt in my chest, as if it had awoken again. I drew hope from her actions. My concern was that she may not have registered everything that had occurred quite yet, and so this made her indecisive. Whatever actions she took on now, she couldn't be held accountable for.

I felt the airplane descend lower and lower. Lost in silence, I found myself pondering Bella's body language. For that was how I read her most of the time. Her eyes and her expressions. Mostly her body movements.

If she hated me, then why did she radiate such love? Why would she want to be so close to me like this? I should have repulsed her by now, but for some unfathomable reason, I didn't.

I was truly looking forward to the conversation that I had planned to have with Bella. Every fiber in my being was on fire at her simplest touch.

I felt so alive.

My eyes remained on Bella's face. She was exhausted, yet something in her eyes made me feel uneasy. She held great concern in her glassy stare.

I felt the weight of the stress inside me at the way that she silently stared at nothing in particular. Her expression was far too contemplative. What I wouldn't give to know what she was mulling over inside of her brain. I searched her eyes a bit closer. I detected a hint of anxiety and what resembled—worry—in her eyes.

My mouth moved from her hair and I opened my mouth to ask her what was on her mind. Her face was so full of innocence, and I decided to give her her privacy.

I had no right to know. No right at anything anymore. Bella was no longer mine, after all. I hated myself with a burning passion. I knew that Bella was a sensible girl, considering her intelligence. Aside from the fact that she was in love with a vampire once in her life, I still labeled her as a smart girl.

So why would Bella ever allow herself to be put through what I had put her through, ever again?

I could not afford to get my hopes up too much, I had to face it.

Bella was wounded and confused, and for lack of a better word she was under the influence of the pure joy of leaving Italy alive, and not to mention— of lack of sleep. The way she hung onto me was probably due to her inability to think straight. I knew that her heart was broken. That fact was unavoidable, and I needed to prepare myself for her reaction.

No matter the cost, I would get down on my knees and beg her to forgive me.

But my mind wandered to the facts. I had hurt her once. How could Bella Swan ever trust me again?


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Bella nearly collapsed at the airport when we were greeted by my ecstatic family. I had supported her sluggish body as she walked wearily beside me. She was fading so fast. My goal now was to get her to her home with her father, who was fretting to a near heart attack.

Pretending that Rosalie was not in the same vehicle as us, after she apologized to Bella, everyone was rather silent for the remainder of the journey back to Forks. I had to pinch myself with every urge to knock Rosalie upside the head. I didn't care that it was her mistake, because her big mouth, as usual, almost cost Bella's life, as well as my own.

"Let her sleep," I commanded Emmett and Rosalie.

To strategically soothe my nerves, I kept my eyes steadily on Bella. She draped her arm on the back of my shoulder, still as tired as I had ever seen her. Her eyelids were closed now, though she strained to keep her head up. I cupped my hand around the front of her neck for support.

Finally, her head fell limp on my forearm and I propped her up and she was fast asleep. Her breathing panned out to an even pattern. She lightly snored, in a deep slumber now.

I felt whole again, as if the other half of me that was lost for so long, was now reattached to my heart.

I knew that we belonged together.

Dodging Rosalie's curious glances, I pulled Bella over me, acting as her pillow. She didn't even so much as reposition herself, for she knew in her subdued state that I would not let any harm come to her.

I nuzzled my face down to her hair and lightly stroked her arm.

The time would be approaching soon to give her away to Charlie. I was terrified for a reason that I could not pinpoint. I contemplated it for the rest of the ride.

I realized that it was fear that Bella would wake up and shut me out of her life forever.

Dread encompassed me, as the vehicle rolled to a slow halt.

Charlie's thoughts hit me like a hammer to my head. 'That's him. Does he have her? Yes, he does. God give me strength not to shoot him right here and now.' Charlie's mind went hay wire.

I watched Bella's father stammer down the front steps, a glare visibly in his eyes. 'Never mind, I'll murder him now. How could he? What has he done to her?' Charlie's thoughts raced.

He approached the car, as angry as I had ever seen the man. His face was red, and his anger seemed to boil over with each step. "Bella!" he shouted.

I flinched, as did Bella. She jolted in my arms and peeled open her sleepy eyes.

"Charlie?" she mumbled.

"Shh, it's okay, you're home," I whispered down to her, brushing my lips against her ear.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here!" Charlie roared.

That was it. I knew now that I would not be forgiven by her father, and I could not blame him.

Hatred pure in his stare, Charlie shot an icy look at me. 'What have you done to her. I'll have you arrested now so help me!' yet he didn't say it, he wanted to. He was losing his control though.

"Stop it dad," Bella said, her voice still weak. I helped her stand, and she waivered, nearly falling on me. I scooped her up in my arms, and carried her onward, as I tried hard to push out Charlie's accusing thoughts.

Charlie teased a mental fantasy of grabbing his daughter out of my arms and knocking me in the face. I remained strong for Bella. I could not be afraid of her father if I chose to stay in Bella's life.

"What's wrong with her?" demanded Charlie.

I shook my head, smoldering my eyes in a congenial effort to pacify his rage. "She's just very tired Charlie."

Charlie's eyes slitted.

"Just let her rest." I added smoothly.

"Don't tell me what to do!" he barked. I pressed my lips together.

Charlie closed in on me, reaching for Bella, who could barely keep up chin up.

"Give her to me. Get your hands off her!" he commanded, and I had no choice but to obey him. Again Charlie entertained the thought of taking a good swing at me.

I stepped forward and tried to pass Bella to him, my eyes full of regret.

This was agony. Charlie loathed me, I could hear it loud and clear. Colorful names silently rumbled in Charlie's mind at me, though for the sake of his daughter he didn't say them to me. Yet.

Surprising me, Bella's fingers tightened on me, scratching the marble skin at the nape of my neck. She didn't want to let me go either. I felt my heart lurch. Bella didn't want me to go just as much as I didn't want to let her. Either that or she was scared to death of her father's fury.

"Cut it out dad," Bella retorted, her tone soft, yet stern.

Wildly, Bella constricted her arms around me, like a child who did not want to be held by any other. I felt joy swell over my turmoil.

Remorsefully, I stared down at her resolved expression. I swallowed a hard lump in my throat, reluctant to enrage her father any more than I had, yet unwilling to give up on Bella now.

Full of compassion and adoration, I realized that her love for me was still inside of her.

Charlie was blind with revulsion for me and concern for his only daughter. I understood his stress, though I should have seen it coming that after I had ripped Bella's heart when I had broken it off with her, Charlie had me to blame for her agony.

Winning back Charlie's trust was another job within itself, though Bella would come first. She was the one I cared about, the only one.

Charlie darted his stone cold eyes from me to her. His worry stirred up, as about ten questions hit him. 'What happened? Are you okay? What did he do to you? Why are you with him? I thought he hurt you? Where have you been, why haven't you called, God I'll kill him if he did anything to you, forgive me for what I'm about to do!'

I blinked my eyes, and I had to shut him out.

Inside of the vehicle, Rosalie and Emmett were quietly speaking to each other. "This is not good. Don't think Edward will live through this one." Emmett said to Rose.

My eyes flickered back to Charlie, as Bella rose her voice at her father, "Be mad at me!"

Why was she doing this for me? My mouth dropped open.

'What?' Charlie was floored too. 'Oh no….you're not….oh God, no…' Charlie realized something substantial about the way Bella slung onto me. A storm clouded over Charlie's dark eyes, as he sent another vicious look at me, his eyes narrowed with seething ferocity. 'No I won't allow it, no!'

I gasped, as Bella took another hit for me. She would let Charlie punish her to spare me. I was flummoxed. Bella Swan never ceased to amaze me.

We were still in love.

I searched Bella's frustrated face, and saw it in her eyes. She was not angry at me at all. She should have been scolding me, not her father.

Was it possible? Yes it was. She still wanted me. Though I had no idea why, but my dream just may come true after all.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I gawked down at Bella as she pinned herself to me, practically pushing Charlie away.

"You bet I will be," Charlie snapped at Bella. I tore my eyes away from her weary eyes to study her father's infuriated demeanor.

I resisted the impulse to carry Bella inside of her house, but I knew that Charlie wouldn't allow me to go inside. His brain was still burdened by thousands of unanswered questions. He shot another bitter glance my way and then roamed his blurry eyes all over Bella's weak body.

'If she's hurt I won't be able to control myself….' Charlie's booming thoughts impaled me. I hated hearing his thoughts, though they were muddled a bit. As if I was only getting partial of what he was thinking.

They were still potent though, no doubt.

I flinched. My eyes took in Bella's stunning features, her delicate face and her petrified stare as she watched Charlie wanly. Her heart was thrumming faster. It was inevitable that she was equally angry at her father for treating me in this rude fashion, though I deserved worse.

Charlie wanted to snatch his gun up at that moment, as Bella took the hint that her father's stern glare penetrated her. I noticed Charlie's eyes held a measure of sadness in them. He would not be outraged at Bella for much longer, for relief would wipe away his anger at her.

As for me, Charlie would not forgive me for that was exactly what he was thinking when Bella mumbled, "Kay. Let me down."

It took every fiber of my willpower to do as she commanded, but it was for the best all around. I couldn't hold onto her forever. This was the finish line.

I held onto her shoulders, gentle enough not to hurt her. The way she stumbled to get her bearings, her thin frame, and her overpowering numbness due to the lack of sleep made me nervous.

I couldn't leave tonight, I knew it already. I had already given in to that battle.

I would watch her as I had done before from her window, and hopefully she would awake with forgiveness in her heart for me.

The real obstacle with Bella was that I was uncertain that she would understand why I had left her in the first place. I vowed to give her my every effort because she deserved to know every aspect of why I had hurt her the cold-blooded way that I had.

Instantly, Bella began to tilt forward towards the sidewalk. I caught her in my arms, winding my hand under her stomach. My other arm held the front of her chest to serve as support that she could no longer sustain.

Charlie leapt in front of us also to hopefully catch his unsteady daughter.

I let out a sharp breath, cursing myself. If it weren't for me, she would not be going through a near death experience. I swallowed back the urge to pick her up again and hold her. I frowned at Charlie's explosion of horrible accusations, directed at me.

Bella wobbled on her feet as I stood her up once more, not letting go this time.

I loosened my grip on her and again she nearly collapsed. She was like a young infant, not skilled enough to stand on her own two feet. I constricted my hold on her.

I forced myself to speak to an irate Charlie. "Just let me get her upstairs." I said simply, working to keep the soft pleading in my tone.

'That's it. I've had enough of this.' He thought to himself, almost losing his rational behavior. "Then I'll leave." I added to pacify Charlie's fuming vibes. He was breathing hard now, his face staining with the blood that rushed to his mad face.

'How dare you!' he was thinking but then he slid his eyes back to Bella and he softened slightly.

Bella gasped, "No!" her horror filled eyes shot up at me. Her mouth hung open in panic. I wanted so badly to explain to her just how much I did not intend on leaving her side.

I had to quell the penetrating nerve to simply run my fingers through her hair and hush her with a gentle kiss, but that would not be happening.

I shook my head partially, her expression cutting me deep. This was unbearable. "I won't be far," I murmured earnestly in her ear so quietly so that her father wouldn't know my plan to visit her in her bedroom. I nodded once, promising that she would see me again.

My life and probably hers depended on my presence.

She needed me. I was convinced now more than ever. The unsatisfied way that Bella beheld my eyes, searching my face told me that she had not had enough of me yet.

There was hope.

I walked her into the front door. Charlie glowered a look of sheer hatred. I cowered back, and reverted my attention back on the only thing worth living for.

She sucked in a deep breath, and then another, as if petrified at the thought of me going anywhere. I had been her anchor the entire time in Italy, and she mine.

This was going to be difficult, though it would not last forever. Only a mere eight hours or so until she had recuperated.

I gulped at the longing way that she stared at me. Her hands held onto my arms. She was blanched as if she had just lost a lot of blood. I had seen her like this before, and it was disturbing.

I was afraid she may faint. I would not let her. I concentrated on her eyes, for they told me everything I needed to know. She wanted me still, and this fueled my hopes.

Charlie rasped out a string of curse words, followed by a rather low and gruff sentence: "Get away from my daughter and off of our property. Now. I mean it." He spoke so quietly yet firmly that Bella probably didn't catch his command.

I has to obey his wishes. He was a cop after all, and he could do whatever he wanted to since I was on his property. His daughter had gone missing for longer than a day, so he could have arrested me easily. Actually, it didn't shock me when Charlie's next stream of thoughts were exactly that. Handcuffs.

I had no choice. No hope to explain because Charlie would not listen to me, I could hear it in his disdained mind.

I squeezed my eyes closed and began to untangle her fingers. She reluctantly forced her hands on my shirt. To my disappointment, I had to let her go.

But only for now.

This was the only notion that kept me from allowing us to be torn apart again. I felt a heavy pain encumber my heart inside. My chest throbbed.

Her eyes were blurry now, as she lost her strength and her fingertips loosened. I bit back a grunt as I finished unclasping them from their hold on my shirt.

I watched Charlie take Bella's drained form in his arms, stopping her fall to the wooden floor beneath her. He threw one more agonizingly sour glance over his shoulder, warning me to get out while the getting was good because he would definitely shoot me if he found me still here after he carried a sleeping Bella to her bed.

I pursed my lips, biting back the whim to follow him upstairs to ensure that she was safely in her bed, though I knew that she would be in good hands now.

I retracted my steps back and turned my back on Bella for the last time that I ever would.

I would wait in her window until Charlie cleared out, and then we would be together again.


End file.
